I feel so defeated today.

There are days that make me feel like disappearing from the world. Today is one of those days.

I’ve been feeding some of the strays where I live for several months. For maybe about 2 or 3 months there has been this little calico cat coming to the stairwell where I leave the food. She can’t be more than 8 or 9 months old and was the smallest little girl. She was always the first one waiting in the morning and in the afternoon. Friday morning I noticed she wasn’t there, then Saturday and Sunday. I dreaded it, but knew something must have happened. This morning, it was confirmed by the maintenance man where I live he’d found her in the pool. I suspect she got into something. I’ve noticed cars with anti-freeze/coolant under their cars. It’s getting hot here and no doubt cars using their ac and sometimes coolant leaks, and I wonder if maybe she got into some and perhaps tried drinking water after.

It’s hit me very hard this little one’s death. She meowed at me last week, for the first time. I half felt she was angry at me for being late with her food. I kept wondering if maybe I could squeeze one more into the apartment. But I know I can’t. I pray daily that God or whoever is up there watching us, helps me and I can find the means to get myself a little house. One with a yard or better still, a screened porch. I’d take those strays with me and give them a safe place to live.

I wish I could have done more, wish I could do more.

I feel like crawling away and not knowing anything about anyone or anything. I’m tired of hurting. I think sometimes I feel too much, but then I’m afraid of not feeling enough.

Christ, the last thing I needed was to have this little cat die. First, Coconut passed away, then I almost lost Sofie after her spay, and now my little calico stray. Right now, I feel like I could cry for days and still not feel relief. My heart hurts.

All I can do is brush myself off and keep going. That’s all I ever do, brush away the tears and keep going. Where am I going though? Right now it seems nowhere and I wonder if that will ever change.