Posted by: Wicked Cats | September 13, 2011

Hopeless…

Have you ever had one of those days when you just feel like there is nothing left to be happy about? Nothing to look forward to?

Yeah, I’m having one of those days. I’ve just had it. For 11 months I’ve been looking for a job. I have one thankfully, but I’ve gone from making a decent salary to living on $216 less a month than I was at the end of 2010, and $500 less than I was making at the end of 2009.

I’ve cut back on every aspect of my life, and am continually trying to cut here and there and still I’m behind on everything. My car payment, my car insurance, my power bill, my cell phone bill, everything. I thought I’d be able to have at least some money after I got paid to at least make it to my next paycheck without any issues, but this morning I had to take Tatiana to the vet. I’m pretty sure she’s got a UTI, at least I hope that’s all she has. So now, what I WAS going to pay has to wait another 2 weeks. Even then, I still may not be able to catch up, because the end of the month is always my worst time because that’s when my rent is due, and that takes a huge chunk of my pay.

I feel like there’s never going to be a point where I can just feel some relief. Everyone is going about their life, doing things, moving on. I’m here, running in place. I feel like a tire in mud, just spinning and spinning and going nowhere. All I have to show for my work is a deeper hole and mud caked rims.

I sit and wonder what I’ve done wrong in my life? I feel like I’m being punished for something. Maybe I haven’t been as good a person as I could have been. If it wasn’t for my pets and my dad, I think I’d just get in my car and disappear.

All I want to do is work, and take care of my pets and be happy. I want to make enough money so that I can pay my bills, and maybe even have a little left over to sock away into a savings account. I’m not asking to win the lottery, I don’t want a free ride, just some peace of mind. Is that too much to ask?

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